


The Utterly Thrilling Adventures of the F1 gang

by eek4444



Category: formula one - Fandom
Genre: Formula One, M/M, Okay so this story is actually becoming interesting, Shoey is an evil lil bitch, crack!, more than the one shot I thought it would be, no Serious, really it is crack, simi - Freeform, stay tuned for more, valewis - Freeform, what is this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2018-12-09 01:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11658945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eek4444/pseuds/eek4444
Summary: In which Daniel is upset, Valtteri doesn't want to make new friends, and Kimi quietly creates a masterpiece while Drama™ rages around him.





	1. The rejected Shoe

It was a Friday morning, and all the drivers had been shepherded into the Room for breakfast. The Room was where they all ate- it was a magical Room, which provided all the food the drivers wanted, and some which they didn't think they wanted, but suddenly did once they saw it in the Room, laid out on the pristine white tablecloths. By the time the drivers had finished breakfast, the tables would be upside down and there would be food splashed all over the walls. Seriously, what do you expect when you put twenty racing drivers in a room together in race season?  
Currently, however, there was peace in the Room. The drivers ate placidly, with only Perez (eating a taco) and Ocon (eating a croissant) trying to kick each other under their table. While Valtteri and Lewis were staring into each other's eyes over Lewis's full English breakfast, Seb was shooting dark glares at Lewis from the table next door as Kimi created a sculpture of a horse out of ice using only his spoon. Max and Daniel were playing a flirtatious game of finger football, Fernando was dozing while Stoffel tucked into his Belgian waffles, and at the Williams table Massa was helping Stroll with his homework. At the Toro Rosso table, next to the Red Bull table but slightly lower and smaller, so Daniil and Carlos had to sit on small, plastic chairs in bright primary colours, the drivers looked longingly up at the table of Max and Daniel. At the Renault table, Nico Hulkenberg was eating honeyed cherries while Kevin Magnussen shot him foul glances from across the room. 

Outside the window, ex-drivers and press, as well as lucky members of the public, gathered to catch a glimpse of the drivers. Mark Webber smiled wistfully at Seb, while Jenson Button, his nose pressed flat against the glass, watched Fernando rapturously. Karun Khandok tapped on the window, taunting Perez for the lack of spice in his taco. Nico sighed as he watched Lewis and Valtteri and, for the 101st time in as many seconds, considered returning to Formula One. 

The peace of the morning was, however, not to last. It was maintained all through Seb hissing "jump start" at Valtteri, although Lewis did rise threateningly from his chair at this. Even Grosjean leaping to his feet to exclaim "I have no brakes!" and smashing a plate over Kevin's head caused no more than a scattering of laughter.  
The problems began when Valtteri saw Daniel approaching, holding something behind his back.  
"Quick, hide me!" he whispered to Lewis, who, gallant soul that he was, shoved Valtteri under the table and did his best to look innocent.  
"Hey, Lewis," said Daniel. "Isn't Valtteri here? I swear I just saw him."  
Lewis widened his eyes. "No, he had to go... to... the pit lane," he lied quickly. "Um, why did you need him?"  
Daniel grinned. "I have a friend who would like to make his acquaintance."  
Under the table Valtteri stifled a miserable moan.  
"Ah, right," said Lewis. "Can I ask who?"  
"Sure," said Daniel. "His name is... SHOEY."  
And he held out a shoe. But it was no ordinary shoe. It was a racing drivers Shoe, but horribly disfigured, with a grinning face, red eyes, and fangs dripping...  
"IS THAT BLOOD?" Lewis leaped to his feet.  
Daniel looked mortified. "Of course not!" he exclaimed. "Shoey, did you not brush your teeth after your strawberries?" The Shoe looked bashful. "You bad boy!" said Daniel.  
"Wtf?" said Lewis. It was a reasonable response.  
"What's that you've got there, Daniel?" asked Seb.  
Daniel held out the shoe. "Shoey." He said.  
"Wow." said Seb. "Hang on, that's blood, no?" He peered at the Shoe's red grin.  
"No! It's only his morning strawberries!" said Daniel defensively.  
"Why does he eat strawberries for breakfast?" asked Seb.  
"It's all he eats," replied Daniel seriously. "He eats only strawberries and drinks nothing but champagne."  
"Crazy!" said Seb. He turned to where Kimi had now finished his horse sculpture. If they were quick, there would be time for a bit of hand holding out on the podium before the practice sessions got underway.  
Lewis felt that the conversation was getting sidetracked. "Why do you want Valtteri to meet him?" he asked Daniel.  
Daniel smiled sweetly. "Well, Shoey is having a barbecue later, and since Valtteri didn't really meet him properly at Azerbaijan, I thought Valtteri would like to come!"  
"Oh," said Lewis. He wondered how he could break it gently to Daniel, that Valtteri did not like Shoey, nor did he want to come to his barbecue. Tact had never really been his strong point, so he just came straight out and said it. "Look, Daniel, I don't think Valtteri likes Shoey very much."  
Daniel's lip began to tremble. "What? Not like Shoey? But how?" He clutched the Shoe to him closely.  
"Well," said Lewis, "I think it's partly his smell."  
"His smell?" Daniel raised the Shoe and sniffed it. "But he only smells of strawberries and champagne and maybe my feet, a bit!"  
He offered the Shoe to Lewis, who sniffed cautiously.  
He gagged slightly. "Umm, I'd disagree there."  
Daniel sighed. "I guess Shoey could do with a bath." he said.  
Lewis nodded. "Look, try that, and maybe Valtteri will be a bit more... willing to be friends."  
"Alright," said Daniel, looking a bit more cheerful. He hurried away.  
Lewis ducked down below the table. "Hey, you can come out now." he said.  
Valtteri unrolled a small rainbow flag. "Really?"  
"Not like that! I meant from under the table, not out of the bloody closet!" Lewis hissed, because all British people say 'bloody.'  
"Oh." Valtteri emerged and dusted some crumbs from his knees.  
"The Shoe wants to invite you to a barbecue." explained Lewis.  
"I heard." said Valtteri, looking downcast. "I don't like evil Shoes, or barbecues."  
Lewis put a comforting arm around his shoulders. "Hey, I'll come with you, if you like. All you have to do is be civil to the Shoe for, like, half an hour and then we can get away and concentrate on a nice Mercedes one-two, with no Shoes on the podium at all." He didn't say who'd be one and who'd be two.  
Valtteri sniffed. "Okay. But Lewis, you don't understand- it has teeth!"  
"Oh I saw them." He shivered at the memory.  
Suddenly his attention was caught by Max and Daniel leaving towards the track, Max gripping onto Daniel's arm. He appeared to be pleading with him.  
"Look, it was an accident. I am so, so sorry Daniel." Max was saying.  
"You collided your spoon with mine, I had to abandon my fucking breakfast!" Daniel yelled in reply.  
"I know, it's the worst case scenario, crashing into your teammate. I am so sorry." Max glanced around at the other drivers, all of whom where watching with interest. "Can we talk about this somewhere private?"  
Daniel and Max left the Room.  
"Oh dear." said Fernando, waking from his nap.  
"It's alright," said Lewis from across the tables. "Only a couple of weeks ago Daniel was saying Max's eyes were blue like the ocean. They'll get over it."  
"Really?" said Stoffel. "What colour did Max say Daniel's were?"  
"Poopy brown." Lewis shrugged. "Idk. Maybe it means something in Dutch." 

 

To be continued...


	2. in the pits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is an intruder in the Red Bull garage and Seb is waxing lyrical about his icey teammate.

Out on the grid it was heating up, both literally and figuratively. The temperature had sky rocketed, reaching a pleasantly warm 39 Celsius. (That's 102.2 Fahrenheit for you strange, strange people in the United States, the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas, Belize, and Palau (The Internet is far too US-centric so I thought I'd list the rest too.)) (Woah, double parentheses within the first paragraph. I am living life truly to the full.) Mechanics dashed around the garages like wasps around a sweet beverage left in the sun by some foolish child. The drivers swaggered towards their cars and were strapped in, something which it is difficult to do with an awful lot of swagger. Still, once they were in place it looked cool. 

In the Red Bull garage, Max, still hoping for Daniel to forgive him, blew a kiss at the Australian. It went unnoticed, however, by Daniel, who was fighting off a great white shark with a small boomerang.  
"Begone, foul wrench!" he yelled in strong Aussie, battering it repeatedly with his piece of traditional Australian wood.  
"Why is there a shark in there?" David Coulthard, complete with camera and sound guy, was standing by the garage entrance.  
"We all attract our deepest fears," said Christian Horner, philosophically, draining his fourth Red Bull® of the day. "Wowowo, I am buzzing!"  
Suddenly, the shark's head fell off and landed with a satisfying cronch on the ground.  
"I have the power!" shouted Daniel.  
But it wasn't a real shark at all. For a start, it had legs (leegs) and secondly it was a human in a shark costume.  
"Carlos?" asked Christian. "What are you doing here? You're banished to the second level of hell, remember?"  
"Damn it," said Carlos Sainz Jr, for it was he. "I thought if I scared off one of these lucky, lucky, boys then I could be a Red Bull driver and actually go fast."  
"Toro Rosso ain't so bad." said Daniel.  
"Have you ever driven one?" asked Carlos.  
"A long time ago," said Daniel. "I have nightmares sometimes."  
Suddenly a distraction arrived in the form of several members of the paparazzi.  
"Hey, Daniel, we heard you hate Max now, is that true?" yelled one bloke.  
"Est-ce vrai?" yelled another, only it sounded nicer in French.  
Daniel looked a Max for a moment, his worried eyes visible through his visor.  
"Nah, I love Max, he's ma man." Daniel winked at Max, and Max breathed a sigh of relief. Both the Red Bulls accelerated away out of the garage and into the pit lane for free practice one. Christian was left in peace to crack open another Red Bull® (yes, it was a cold one, no, it wasn't with the boys.)

In the McLaren garage there was a problem. In the modern age there is a thing called the internal combustion engine. McLaren had not yet discovered this piece of technology, and were powering their cars with coal, delivered by Honda each day from a cart drawn by an old pony.  
Fernando, approaching his car with the air of one doing to the gallows but resigned to his fate, looked at the coal being burnt to produce the steam to power his wheels with a small frown.  
"I am sure we used something different when I was at Ferrari," he said.  
"If Honda says it's good, then we use it," replied a mechanic, shovelling coal rapidly. 

In the Mercedes garage Valtteri was having flashbacks.  
"Those teeth," he moaned. "And the smell!"  
Toto Wolff swept into the garage in his customary fashion, black suit looking evil in a clean-cut way, a white cat in his arms.  
"Good morning Mr Bottas," he said. "I have been expecting you." He stroked the cat, which wasn't actually a cat at all but a small sheep.  
"Look, Val," said Lewis, already in his car, quickly snapping a selfie. "Pull yourself together. Forget the Shoe."  
"That is easier to say than to do," remarked Valtteri grimly, but he got into his car all the same.  
The Silver Arrows shot away into the pit lane, Valtteri letting Lewis overtake at turn one, and Lewis letting Valtteri overtake at turn two, just for practice. 

Kimi and Seb had yet to turn up at the pit lane. Kimi was lamenting the early demise of his ice-horse sculpture, which had quickly turned into nothing more than a large puddle on the tarmac. Seb was writing a love song. He'd already got one verse, so he sang it to Kimi.  
"Ferrari's are red,  
Sauber's are blue,  
You can't live without water,  
And Kimi I couldn't live without you."  
"Bwoah," said Kimi, but kissed Seb gently on the nose.  
"We'd better get over to the pits," said Seb, "or there'll be rumours."  
Kimi shrugged. It would take a lot for him to become even slightly animated in this heat. Not that the heat had much to do with it. Finns just didn't do emotions. We'll see about that later, thought Seb, with a smirk.


	3. Where in the world is Kimi Räikkönen?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seb is distraught, a barbecue is canceled, and the F1 gang meet an unexpected guest.

The circuit at Penisstone was shaped like, yes, you've guessed it, a large penis. This would have made it one of the easiest tracks on the F1 calendar, if it wasn't for the fact that in 1999, depressed by the fact that he was getting old, Bernie Ecclestone had paid for the addition of a new section of track, which had the effect of turning the penis into a very good caricature of ex-British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.  
The corners at Penisstone (officially called Bronzerock) had rather lewd names which ranged from Wank to Shite to the curve of Thatcher's nose which was simply called The Big V, and so had been replaced by numbers.  
It was at corner 7 (Thicc corner) in free practice two that it happened. Max went round the corner, followed by Esteban, and then came the two Ferraris. Kimi was ahead of Seb, and so Seb saw everything, but he may as well have been 100 miles away for all that he could do. He saw Kimi brake ahead of him, and did the same, but before Kimi cornered, the air shimmered and he disappeared. Complete with car, helmet, and small snack which he had with him, he had vanished.  
"Wooooaaahhh?" said Seb, or something very similar.  
"We've lost radio on Kimi," said Seb's mechanic into his ear. "What's happened out there?"  
"I have no idea," said Seb, who was staring blankly at the space where Kimi's car had vanished. The air no longer shimmered; Thicc corner looked normal once more. 

-

"Well, what do we do?" asked the race director. The race had been red flagged and brought to a stop. What was the point in continuing when there was one Ferrari missing and the other was parked on the slip road, its' driver in tears beside it. An impromptu drivers briefing had been called.  
Esteban raised his hand. "I'm sure there's someone you're supposed to call when there's something strange in your neighborhood?"  
"The Army?" suggested Lewis.  
"The police?" suggested Kevin Magnussen.  
"No it's not those," said Esteban.  
"Ghostbusters?" said Joylon Palmer.  
"Yes!" exclaimed Esteban. "I watched that movie with Dorian the other day... Oh, I wasn't meant to say that..."  
"It's alright," said Daniel. "We all know."  
Seb stamped a foot impatiently. "If we could get back to Kimi?"  
Max was counting on his fingers. "I was -13 when that film came out," he interjected helpfully.  
Seb stood up on his chair. "CONCENTRATE!" he yelled.  
"I prefer orange juice not from concentrate," said Daniel, but quietly.  
The race director was struggling. He wasn't used to this. All he wanted was a quiet life, yet here he was with a room of arguing racing drivers, a car had completely disappeared at his track, and it was his wedding anniversary yet he'd forgotten about it and hadn't bought his wife a present yet. Besides all this, he knew that a disappearing car was going to require lots of paperwork, as a wormhole in space and time at corner 7 certainly wasn't covered by the insurance.  
"Let's work with what we know," said Seb, still standing in his chair.  
The race director saw this as an opportunity to slip away, and did so. Hopefully he could stop at that little florists on his way home and get his wife a bouquet which wouldn't disappoint too much.  
"What do we know?" asked Valtteri, who was happy because he'd managed to put Lewis, Checo, and Max between himself and Daniel.  
Silence fell as the drivers considered what they knew.  
"Well, he disappeared," offered Kevin.  
"Yup," said Lewis.  
More silence fell as they considered the fact that they knew very little.  
"That's it then, is it?" said Seb.  
"Yeah, sorry mate," said Lewis.  
Seb sunk to the floor in desperation. This was no mean feat, as he was standing on a chair. He rubbed his bruised elbow and glowered round at the other drivers. "You are useless."  
"Hey," objected Lewis. "That's not really fair. Let's go have a look at Thicc corner, and see if there's anything there, a clue to where the wormhole in space and time went." He imagined himself in a deerstalker, and decided he could make a good detective.  
"Alright," said Seb grudgingly, and he picked himself up off the floor.  
"I guess this means Shoey's barbecue is canceled," said Daniel. "Sorry guys."  
If Valtteri hadn't been Finnish he would have punched the air. However, as he was, he allowed himself a small smile. 

-

The drivers traipsed out of the briefing room en masse, leaving only Fernando, who had fallen asleep, behind. It was dark outside now, and the stars crackled brightly above in the freezing air.  
Carlos pointed to the sky. "Look, that constellation looks like a hamster!"  
"The stars are beautiful tonight," said Lance to Esteban.  
"You know who else is beautiful?" said Esteban.  
Lance blushed. "Who?"  
"Dorian." said Esteban.  
Seb reached Thicc corner first, and waited impatiently for the others to catch up.  
"It doesn't look so thicc in the dark," whispered Max to Daniel.  
"I think you'll find it feels thicc enough though," said Daniel with a wink.  
"So it was just here?" asked Lewis, already searching around for clues.  
"Ya," said Seb miserably. "He just vanished!"  
"Hm." Lewis surveyed the area between the track and the crash barrier. The gravel was raked smooth, with no evidence of a crash. However, there was something...  
"Anyone got a torch?" he asked.  
In the illuminating glow of almost 20 iPhone torches, they could all read the hideous letters written in red paint on the tyre wall: 

FUCK OFF 

"Wait no that's nothing to do with the wormhole in space and time, that's just normal graffiti," said Lewis.  
"I guess there's only one thing for it," said Max.  
"What?" asked Seb.  
"Ouija board," said Max.  
"The first thing you think of is a ouija board?" said Lewis.  
But as no one else had any better ideas, they decided they may as well give it a go, and dispatched Joylon to the nearest supermarket to buy one.  
He was there and back quite quickly, despite being in a Renault, and they set up the ouija board in the briefing room, which woke up Fernando, who claimed he was good at ouija boards and said he'd once contacted Lady Gaga on one.  
"I'm pretty sure she's alive," said Stoffel at this point, but you don't question a world champion.  
While Joylon handed round the marshmallows he'd bought, Fernando produced from nowhere a cloak and top hat, and, with these on, settled himself by the board and drew the other drivers round him in a circle.  
"Come, sit and we shall talk to Kimi!" he said in a mystical voice.  
"He's not dead, you know," said Seb waspishly, feeling like his search for Kimi had been hijacked somewhat.  
Fernando ignored this. "Dim the lights, if you please!"  
Lewis clicked the light switch and plunged the room into complete darkness. Max clutched Daniel's hand for moral support.  
Fernando lit a candle. His face was lit dramatically by the flickering glow.  
The drivers huddled over the board, and placed their fingers on the small glass (it was definitely a shot glass) which was in the middle.  
"Is anyone there?" asked Fernando.  
The glass began to move, slowly, towards the 'no'.  
"Wat?" said Lewis.  
"Maybe it's a ghost which doesn't know it exists," said Kevin.  
"Come on, show yourself," said Fernando, and sure enough the glass moved towards the 'yes'.  
"Spell your name," said Lewis. "We might as well know who we're dealing with."  
The glass moved toward the 'S'. Then it drifted to the 'E'. Then Lance screamed as Checo said 'boo!' in his ear, and the board and glass went flying.  
"Get a GRIP!" said Lewis to Lance, while Seb chucked a marshmallow at Checo.  
Fernando sighed. "We start again."  
The glass began to spell out a name, and the drivers watched in dawning horror as it did so. When it had spelt out a five letter name they looked at each other with faces of fear. The glass was whizzing around the board now and suddenly became too hot to touch. As they leaped back from it, it shattered.  
Lance screamed again and pointed to the other side of the room. A pearly white figure stood watching them with interest. Lewis put a protective arm around Valtteri, and Felipe instinctively tried to protect the younger drivers.  
They had been joined by the ghost of Ayrton Senna.


	4. Ghost tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Daniel consumes many caffeinated drinks, Stoffel throws a sausage at a dog, and Ayrton Senna gives Seb some advice. 
> 
> ~A/N: so I said I'd get the next chapter up by Spa. Turns out I didn't even get it done in time for Monza, but it's here now! Look, I'm a busy* person. Forgive me, friends? 
> 
>  
> 
> *lazy ~

"Um, hi," said Lewis eventually into the appropriately creepy silence which followed Senna's appearance. "Did you know I've just broken the record for pole positions, at 69 poles?"   
The ghost considered this for a moment and shrugged.   
"I don't think he cares, Lewis," said Seb. "He is Ayrton Senna after all."  
Fernando was looking at the ghost with interest. "I am surprised," he said.   
The ghost looked at him questioningly.   
"I have never managed to summon someone before." he said, prompting Stoffel to ask indignantly: "But what about Lady Gaga?"   
"I made that up," answered Fernando carelessly.   
"Oh," said Stoffel. "But I wanted to meet her!"   
"I'd rather meet Little Mix." said Max.   
"Neither of those are dead, you could literally go to a concert." said Pascal from where he and Marcus sat at the very back of the room, where they were often to be found as their cars were just generally pretty rubbish.   
At this the ghost drifted forward towards the drivers and pointed at Seb.   
"Speak." said Senna.   
"Kimi has gone," he said simply. "He has just vanished."   
"I cannot help you," said the ghost. "For Kimi is not in reaven (racing driver heaven). Wherever he is, he is not dead."   
"Thank god." whispered Seb.   
"I would like to see your modern formula one® cars," said Senna. "If I could?"   
"Sure," Lewis jumped up. "I'll show you."   
"You're getting sidetracked again." complained Seb.   
"Yeah, but he's Ayrton Senna, man!" said Lewis.   
The drivers all nodded vigorously and followed Lewis and Senna from the room. Even Seb went along, although he did feel slightly guilty about neglecting the 'find Kimi' mission. 

-

In the pit lane Senna looked around with interest. "Nice," he said.   
"Hang on," said Daniel to Lewis. "We won't be able to get into the garages. They'll be locked."  
"Fair point," said Lewis. "I guess we'll have to break in."   
"Ooh, exciting!" said Max.   
The drivers evaluated the situation. The garages were securely locked to protect the very expensive cars within. The Mercedes and Ferrari garages even had angry looking Alsatians outside.   
"Throw something at that dog," Lewis instructed Stoffel. "I want to see if it's alive or stuffed."  
"Alright," said Stoffel, picking up a random sausage from the ground. He threw it at the nearest Alsatian which happened to be outside the Mercedes garage. It was a good shot, and the sausage, which was made of rubber, bounced off the head of the Alsatian, which didn't move at all. Lewis concluded that the dog was in fact not real.   
This was the wrong conclusion, as the divers soon found out. They were about to let themselves into the garages when the dog suddenly spoke.   
"Who goes there?" said the dog in the voice of Vladimir Putin.   
The drivers looked at each other in confusion.   
"Someone pinch me?" said Checo, and so Esteban did (he'd been looking for an excuse.)   
"Ouch!" said Checo.   
The dog raised itself up on its five (5) legs (leegs) with a mechanical, creaky noise, and walked towards them. Its eyes were green and glowing.   
"A robo-dog!" whispered Pascal.   
The dog spoke again, and they could detect the rage in his (Vlad The Lad) voice. "Step away from the meat loaf."   
"Wtf?" said Lewis.   
"Stttttttteeeepppp," said the dog. "You must not not not not..."   
"He's broken!" cried Marcus.   
"I love meeennnnnnn I love cock cock clock clock." said the dog.   
"Weird how 'cock' sounds in Putin's voice," said Lewis.   
The dog fell over on its side and lay there, twitching slightly. Lance bravely gave it a kick, and its skin fell off to reveal a bright pink bikini over the mechanic inner workings of the robot.   
"Well the FIA has shit security," said Seb.   
"Let's get into these garages." Lewis carefully opened the Mercedes garage, and Senna peered around.   
Together, Lewis and Valtteri pulled the covers off the two Silver Arrows.   
"These are the silver arrows," said Lewis. And he was right because on a cushion lay two arrows, made of silver. "We troll ppl sometimes," he said.   
They turned to the cars and carefully removed their thick duvets and removed the pillows from under their wheels.   
"The best cars this season," said Lewis, as Valtteri removed their sleep masks.   
"Cough," said Seb. "Cough."   
Senna nodded in appreciation. "We all think our car is best," he said.   
There was laughter from Fernando, Stoffel, Marcus, Pascal, Max(?) etc.   
"That is, in fact, not true," said Fernando, a trifle bitterly.   
"Would you like to see a pink car?" Esteban asked Senna.   
"Things certainly have changed," said Senna.   
They all went to look at the Force-India's.   
"Pink," said Esteban, pointing. There was really little need though, as it is difficult to stand three (3) feet from a pink car and not see it.   
They made their way along the pit, looking in each garage in turn, pointing out various things to Senna, who was impressed by everything from the Perrelli super-soft tyres to the team computer systems.   
By the time they reached Sauber, however, Seb was getting impatient.   
"Do you have any advice on how we could find out where Kimi is?" he asked Senna, who was examining a Sauber steering wheel with interest.   
Senna looked at Seb sadly. "I am a ghost, not Einstein. I cannot be of much help to you in your search."   
Seb didn't look impressed, so Senna hurried on. "But I do have an idea." He pointed at Lewis, who was on his phone. "You have one of those mobile phones, yes? Why don't you call Kimi? Ask him where he is?"   
"Blimey," said Joylon, who had overheard. "That simple, and none of us thought of it?"   
Senna looked sympathetic and smug at the same time. "Yes."   
Seb pulled out his phone, and selected "Kimi R" in his contacts.   
Daniel offered Senna a can of Red Bull®. "It's good stuff," he said. "I haven't slept in a week!"   
Senna tried to take the can but unfortunately as he was a ghost he couldn't interact with objects in our plane of existence. The can fell to the floor with the clang that a small aluminum can makes when it hits the ground. Daniel shrugged and drank it instead.   
Seb waved his phone excitedly. "It rings!" he said.   
The drivers all gathered round, except for Daniel, who had consumed seven (7) Red Bull®s and was flapping round the ceiling, and Max, who was close behind on five (5) and was doing cartwheels in the corner. Esteban offered a baguette around and the drivers munched on the delicious French bread. Checo, not to be outdone, offered around some tacos. These were eagerly accepted by the hungry drivers despite their strict diets.   
Seb put his phone on speaker (Lewis showed him how) and they listened to the ringing.   
"Pick up, Kimi," whispered Seb.  
Suddenly the ringing stopped. "Bowah?" said Kimi.


	5. Kimi in Wonderland part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kimi meets a tall rabbity friend, sees a naked racing driver, and realises something about himself. 
> 
> ~A/N: story about the very loonggg wait for this chapter. I arrived at university on Wednesday, and the last week or so has been very busy. Now I'm here I may actually have more time for writing, before lectures start at least. On another note, Singapore was dramatic, wasn't it!~

Kimi was parked up under a tall tree at the edge of a pleasant glade. Nearby, squirrels hopped between the trees and a single seagull ate a bag of chips.  
"Get off the track!" said Kimi to the seagull, but the seagull just looked at him disdainfully with one beady orange eye, and Kimi realised he wasn't on the track at all, and that he must have left Penisstone far behind him. He looked up at the sky through the leafy branches above him, and saw that it was pink. Either he was in a parallel world or he had arrived at Force India Land.  
It was just as he was beginning to unbuckle his helmet, thinking he would get out of his car and have a walk around, that he saw the rabbit between the trees. He felt a strange thrill of fear, for this was no ordinary rabbit. For a start, it was over seven foot tall, and it was also wearing a pair of trainers. Kimi had never seen Donnie Darko, but if he had he would have been on the terrified side of scared.  
The rabbit approached and looked down at him.  
"You're late." it said.  
"What?" said Kimi.  
"You're late. You're already two 10ths behind Seb. Lewis is on pole, you know." The rabbit took out a stopwatch from somewhere. It had no pockets, so who knows where the stopwatch came from. Let's just say it was in an orifice and leave it at that.  
Kimi was, quite justifiably, confused, and so resorted to his usual method of coping with tricky circumstances. "Bwoah?" he said.  
"None of that now," said the rabbit. "You'll have to be quick through this last sector if you want to get there at all."  
"Get where?" said Kimi, but the rabbit had already turned and was lolloping away through the trees. Kimi accelerated after it, and he realised that the trees were exactly the right distance apart to allow a 2017 formula one® car to pass between them.  
"Where are you going?" he yelled, but the rabbit couldn't hear over the noise of his engine.  
Suddenly the rabbit stopped, and Kimi put on the brakes to do the same. It seemed sensible to do so as he was following it, and didn't want a seven foot tall rabbit smashed on his front wing.  
They where at the base of a tall tree. At the foot of the tree was a large hole, and the rabbit was climbing into it. It looked up at Kimi.  
"Come on, then." the rabbit said, and fell down the hole.  
Kimi sighed and looked around. There were no marshals coming to rescue him, no yellow flags or safety cars. It would have to be the hole. There seemed nothing else to do, so he simply accelerated forward into the darkness. 

-

He seemed to be falling for a very long time, but when he finally hit what he assumed was the bottom of the hole (I guess you could say he bottomed out, but I politely request that you get your mind out of the gutter), it wasn't with the cronch of Death that he’d anticipated, but instead he bounced and came to a rest.  
Kimi got out of his car and looked around him. He was in a long hallway which stretched away into the darkness. The hallway was lined with doors: they were of varying sizes, some very smol and some very tol and thicc. Kimi walked between them, noticing that they had various numbers on them, and were of different colours. After a while he began to notice a patten. He stopped in front of a blue door with a red 3 on it.  
“Riccardo,” he said out loud, and to his surprise the door creaked open and he saw that on the other side was a hot Australian beach, with waves lapping at the white-gold sands. Some attractive ladies lounged nearby, and there were a lot of bottles of beer in buckets of ice here and there on the sand. Kimi felt himself sweating and shut the door, turning to the next door, which was orange and had the number 14 on it.  
“Alonso,” said Kimi. The door opened, and Kimi saw a huge factory full of shiny engines. He didn't know what brand they were but he had a feeling it wasn't Honda.  
He turned to the next door (pink, emblazoned with the number 31), and said “Ocon”. The door flew open with a bang to reveal a young man lying naked in the middle of a room festooned in French flags. “Salut,” said Dorian Boccolacci seductively.  
Kimi shut the door hurriedly and turned to the next, which was white and very small, with a number 18 on it. “Stroll,” said Kimi.  
The door opened and Kimi had to kneel to see though it. On the other side there was what looked like a schoolroom, with desks in rows. Across the back of the room hung a banner with a message daubed on it in thick blue paint:  
“PLS TAKE ME SERIOSULY I AM MOR THAN JUST MY AGE”  
Kimi shut the door and stood up. He continued down the corridor. He hadn’t yet found the two doors he was looking for. Two silver doors on the left caught his eye, but it wasn’t them he was looking for either. He hurried on.  
Then he saw them. Two red doors marked with the numbers 5 and 7. He stepped towards his own door, but then curiosity got the better of him and he turned to the door marked with the 5.  
“Seb,” he said.  
The door slowly swung open. Kimi peered curiously into the room. It wasn’t so much a room as an entire world. And it looked identical to world he knew; in fact, there he was, walking through a pleasant garden, with Seb next to him. They paused to look at something; Kimi saw Seb laugh and take the hand of the other Kimi.  
Kimi watched silently as they walked by. Even though it was him he was watching, he felt as though he was intruding. He backed out and shut the door. Thinking hard, he turned to his own door.  
“Kimi,” he said. The door opened, and Kimi was almost blinded by the bright white light which shone out. He blinked and put on his sunglasses, which made him look very trendy. When his retinas had recovered, he looked around the room and saw that he was in a giant ice landscape, with a fuckn massive castle made of ice, a frozen-over lake and a small Scandinavian style cottage with thick snow on the roof. Smoke was coming from the chimney, and the smell of woodsmoke drifted towards Kimi in the the still, cold air. Kimi stepped forward into the room and felt the cronch of snow under his shoes. His breath made patterns in the air before him, and he felt chilly, yet completely at home.  
As he drew closer to the cottage he saw that there were two pairs of shoes outside, and peered in through the window. Even though he had guessed what he might see it was still strange to see himself there, kneeling by a bright fire, feeding the flames with logs from a small basket while Seb (or a version of him, at least) poured wine into glasses at the table.  
He wondered what the rooms showed. Was it the future? Surely not. Was it what the drivers wanted, what wanted more than anything in the world? Or was it what they wanted but didn't know or recognise they wanted? The deepest desires of their hearts?  
Kimi sighed and turned away from the appealing image in the little cottage, and set off through the snow back to the door. When he reached the corridor of many doors he saw a tiny door that he hadn’t noticed before. It was bright yellow and had the word ENTER on it.  
Kimi looked at the door, which was about 5 inches high, and wondered how he was supposed to get through it, being that he was more than 5 inches tall. His eye fell on a little can of Red Bull nearby. Picking it up, he saw that it was labelled: “drink to be smaller”. Kimi thought that it was probably appealing to a fairly niche market but decided that if he needed to get through the door he would have to drink the Red Bull. With a resigned “moawh” he downed the tiny can, and felt himself beginning to shrink. It was an odd sensation. It felt as if many G’s of G force were pressing into him, in a way that was similar to cornering at very high speeds.  
Finally, however, the strange sensations ceased and he looked around. The can of Red Bull was now half his height, and the door was just taller than him. Kimi reached forward and turned the handle. The door opened, and Kimi stepped out into a beautiful garden.


	6. kimi in Wonderland part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is fire, interestingly shaped bushes, and a dormouse has a sauna session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have never read Alice In Wonderland, I'd advise you read a summary of the storyline and characters quickly before you read this chapter so you get where I'm going wit this! cheers lads

Kimi looked around him. Flowers grew in neat beds, and by that I mean real beds, with little duvets and pillows. Bushes were sculpted neatly into phallic shapes, and the sun shone pleasantly overhead. Kimi walked between the massive penises made of privet, and realised that he wasn't alone in the garden. He was being watched by the same rabbit which he had followed down the rabbit hole.  
“You, Raikoneeeen,” said the rabbit. “You are now my pet racing driver. You need to come with me.”  
Kimi didn't like the sound of this. He had never been a pet before, and, if the experience of the guinea pig he’d owned as a child was anything to go by, didn't think he'd enjoy it very much.  
He considered running away but decided that the rabbit, being so tall, was probably faster. He wished he had his car with him. He couldn't even remember where he had left it. Damn, he thought. I’ve just managed to lose a 950 million euro car.  
It seemed he had no choice but to go with the rabbit, who led him away through the Garden of Penises and out towards a rolling green hill. At the bottom of the hill was a little red house, and it was towards this that the rabbit took him.  
“I’m a massive fan,” said the rabbit, gesturing towards the Ferrari logo above the door. “That’s why I've decided to hold you hostage.”  
“Oh,” said Kimi.  
“Yes,” said the rabbit. “We’re going to have so much fun.”  
The rabbit pushed him into the house. He then made Kimi walk in front of him to a little room at the back of the house, which had a small dog basket in the corner and a bowl of water on the floor.  
“This is your room,” explained the rabbit.  
“No expense spared, eh?” said Kimi.  
The rabbit shut the door, leaving Kimi to think about his options in silence. It didn't look good. He was a prisoner in the house of a mad rabbit, and one that was considerably bigger the him.  
He lay down on the floor and stared at the ceiling. He needed to get his thoughts together. All in all, it had been an odd day. It was only that morning, barely five hours ago, that he and Seb had been eating breakfast together. Since then he'd gone through a wormhole in space and time, fell down a very large hole, walked past some massive penises, and been captured by a rabbit. He yawned. It had been a long day and he was very tired. Maybe he would just lie down in the dog basket and have a little rest. He'd take a leaf out of Fernando’s book, and, when the going got tough, take a nap.  
When Kimi awoke night had fallen, and the only light in his room was coming under the door. He lay still for a while, and thought about having a stab at escaping. Then he realised that the light coming under the door was flickering orange, and was accompanied by a crackling noise.  
“O shit,” said Kimi.  
For a moment he thought about just expiring quietly in the corner, but decided he probably ought to attempt some sort of escape so the author of this remarkable work wouldn't get hate for killing off Kimi Räikkönen.  
He stood up and went to the window, found that it opened easily, and climbed out.  
“Bowah,” said Kimi. (Loose translation: that was very simple, the rabbit is a fucking moron.)  
Once outside, Kimi could see the extent of the fire. The whole upper storey of the house was engulfed in flames and the delightful smell of woodsmoke and roast rabbit hung in the air.  
‘Yum,” said Kimi.  
Suddenly, he heard a terrible yell and saw, from the direction of the rabbit’s garden, which was planted only with carrots, three figures come running. They were an odd bunch. One was a tall march hare; he wore a black snapback and even had a shitload of bling. Around his neck hung serval crucifixes, on his paws were heavy gold rings, and his hare-tail had a diamond piercing in it. The second figure was that of a very tall german man; he appeared quite mad, for he kept chanting: “we need tension between Hamilton and Bottas in 2018”. The third figure was so smol that Kimi would not have seen it had his attention not been drawn to it by the writer. It was a dormouse, small and sleepy, with a Finnish flag draped around it.  
“Bloody hell,” said Kimi (or whatever the Finnish version of it is). “I’m in Mercedes central.”  
The mad man stopped and looked up at the house. “The rabbit?” he asked Kimi. “Is he okay?”  
Kimi was confused for a moment and then realised that the mad man must think he was a firefighter, as he was wearing his red race suit.  
The march hare had reached the house too, and he stopped and sniffed the air.  
“He dead!11!!!1!!!” said the hare.  
The dormouse arrived and scurried up behind the march hare. “Bitch, please,” he said.  
Kimi decided it was time to make his escape and try to get back through the Garden of Penises to the door, and get back to the real world(TM). However, the march hare had other ideas.  
“Hey, man,,,, you wanna come have a tea party with us?” He gestured at his friends, the dormouse and the mad hatter. “It’s gonna be awesome!”  
“Yes you should come with us,” said the mad hatter. “We always love a man in red.”  
“…….” said the dormouse.  
“Um, okay,” said Kimi. “I suppose I can.” 

-

After a few minutes of walking through a small wood, they arrived at a clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a long table, which was set as if a great many people were expected for tea. The mad hatter dashed forward and took a seat at the head of the table, and indicated that Kimi should take the seat to his left. The march hare took the seat opposite Kimi, and sat down with his jewellery clinking. The dormouse settled himself in the teapot, the steam from the hot teabags creating a small sauna.  
Kimi looked enviously at the teapot. He wouldn't mind a sauna himself. It had been the sort of 24 hours that left one needing a sauna.  
“Yum, yum,” said the mad hatter, sampling the icing on top of each cupcake in turn. “Try one,” he said to Kimi. “They are very good.”  
Kimi selected a cupcake which the mad hatter hadn't yet licked. “Thanks.”  
The march hare was on his phone. Yet it wasn't a mobile, it was an old corded phone, and the hare was holding it to his ear.  
The mad hatter winked at Kimi. “He’s very tech-savvy.”  
Kimi had many questions but decided to keep them to himself.  
The dormouse suck his head out of the teapot. “Can you pass me a slice of that fruit loaf please?”  
Kimi passed the dormouse a slice of fruit loaf.  
“Kiitos.” said the dormouse.  
The hare was examining the selection of cakes, buns, sandwiches, and sausage rolls on the table. “Are any of these vegan?” he asked. He looked at Kimi. “I’m a vegan.”  
Kimi raised his eyebrows a half centimetre to express An Emotion. “Sure I saw you eating a full English only yesterday morning, or was it today morning?” he said.  
“Yeah,” said the march hare. “Well, this story was started a long time ago. I guess we're lucky to be seeing this chapter at all. #blessed.”  
Kimi, who had recently got Instagram, knew exactly what that meant.


	7. Kimi in Wonderland part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kimi is disappointed, I google "Brazilian foods", and a baby is very nearly burnt to a cinder in an oven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, if you're not familiar with Alice in wonderland I'd check it out before reading this.   
> Also if anyone wants to proofread for me, then whack me a line pals, you'll get chapters early! yeah I know it's a bit much asking people to proofread for free but I'd really appreciate it. you'd have to be okay with giving me your email.

Suddenly, the ringing of a phone broke the sound of cake being eaten and the clinking of the march hare’s bling. The march hare looked at his phone, but it was not his that was ringing. Kimi realised it was his phone that was ringing. He pulled his mobile out of his pocket and looked at it with some surprise. He’d completely forgotten he even had it with him. Even more surprisingly, the phone still had charge. Let’s assume it wasn't an iPhone.   
“Seb” was flashing on the screen. Eagerly, Kimi answered the call and pressed the phone to his ear.   
“Bowah?” he said in greeting.  
“Kimi!” Seb’s voice crackled in his ear. (The mobile reception was terrible.) Kimi thought he’d never been more glad to hear anything in his life.   
“I am very happy to hear you,” said Kimi simply.   
“Where are you?” asked Seb.   
Kimi paused. He wasn't sure how believable it was that he was eating cake with a March hare, and a mad man, and there was a dormouse in the teapot. Still, it was worth a shot.   
“I’m in a very strange place,” he began. “I was held captive by a rabbit, but he burnt to death in a fire this morning. Now I’m eating with a hare, a crazy man, and a dormouse. I do not understand much that is happening to me.”   
“That’s….odd,” said Seb. “Are you okay?”   
Kimi nodded and then realised he was on the phone (Come on. We’ve all done it.)   
“Yes,” he said. “I think so. This world is strange, Seb. All the creatures here are… well, they are like us. The paddock. But different. And Seb, there were doors, with many things behind. Your door, my door, Seb. There’s something I need to tell you-“   
It is worth mentioning at this point that Kimi’s phone was indeed an iPhone. Like all iPhones, it had an aesthetic to die for, an easy to use and very intuitive operating system, and was ergonomically very accomplished. But like all iPhones it a battery life of approximately 2 hours, if the screen brightness was kept on Very Low and the ringer was Off and mobile data was also Off. Kimi’s phone had not been in this state. It had been On, Connected and Doing Things.   
And so, like in a horror film where the murderer cuts the phone lines when the screaming blonde is halfway through her phone call to her Strong and Rescuing boyfriend/husband, Kimi’s phone ran out of charge halfway through his conversation with Seb.   
“Oh,” said Kimi. “Fuck that.”   
The march hare looked at him sympathetically. “It’s annoying when that happens, isn't it?”  
Kimi grimaced and said nothing.   
“Hey,” said a little voice from the teapot. “You want to talk to someone on the phone?”  
“Yes,” said Kimi.   
“I know someone who can help you,” said the dormouse. “He is of legendary status! He live in these woods, somewhere. He is very wise, I am sure he can help you to talk to your friend!”   
“Where do I find him?” asked Kimi. He was willing to give anything a try.   
“No one knows,” said the march hare. “He kinda moves around. Last place I saw him was a couple minutes from the Manor.”  
“The Manor?” asked Kimi.   
“Big house, over that way,” the hare pointed into the woods. “You can’t miss it. It’s green and yellow.”   
“Thanks for the food,” said Kimi, getting up to leave. “Kiitos,” he said to the dormouse. 

-

Kimi wandered through the wood in the direction that the hare had pointed. A strange array of animals peered at him as he passed between the trees. There were seagulls, a groundhog, and a massive lizardy thing. Curled up at the base of a tree were two dogs who wore velvet collars, and by another tree was a fat cat, happily asleep in a pool of sunshine.   
Suddenly he came to the edge of an open meadow. In it two black horses pranced. On the other side of the meadow stood a large house, built in a fancy style a bit like Downton Abbey. The difference between this house and Downton was that this house was painted to look like the Brazilian flag. The effect was quite, um, bright. Kimi made his way across the meadow, stopping to pat the horses on his way.   
“Caio, caio,” said the horses.   
Kimi approached the house cautiously, not knowing whether his presence would be welcomed. He was glad he had done so when he heard loud yells coming from an open window. He looked though it and saw a kitchen, in which there were two people having a furious argument. Kimi watched with interest.   
The taller figure, who was clearly a cook, was yelling at a smaller figure, who was dressed in a Brazilian flag suit.   
“I was cooking le steak! Pour your diNNER TU unGRATEFUL-“  
“I don’t WANT steak! Cook me feijoada!” yelled the Brazilian flag man.   
The cook ripped off his hat in rage. “I am FRENCH! I WILL NOT! I WILL MAKE YOU LE CROISSANT AND THAT IS ALL YOU WILL GET!”   
“Not MORE croissants!” the Brazilian exclaimed, storming from the room. He hadn't been gone more than a few seconds when he stuck his head back round the door.   
“You must cook for me the Pao De Queijo!”   
“Non!” shouted the cook. “You will get croissants!”   
It was clearly an argument which went on almost constantly.   
“Alright! You are FIRED!”   
The cook shrugged. “Bien. I will make croissants for myself, then.”   
“NO!” said the Brazilian, storming from the room.  
It wasn't long before he popped his head back round the door.   
“I’m going to let my baby play by the oven while I take nap, wake me up in 15 minutes?”   
“Oui, oui,” said the cook.   
Kimi watched in amazement as a baby played sulkily on the kitchen floor with a tiny golf club.   
“Alright mate?” said the cook to the baby.   
“Yeah,” said the baby. “It’s just he,” he pointed towards the door the Brazilian had left through, “Doesn't give me enough support and guidance.”   
Kimi decided it was time to stop spying and ask if the occupants of the kitchen knew where he could find the ‘wise man’ that the dormouse had spoken of. He found the kitchen door and slipped inside.   
“Um, hello,” he said, startling the cook.   
“Stop!” said the cook. “I could have dropped my croissant!”   
“Umm, right,” said Kimi. “Is that baby okay?”  
“Felipe YOUR BABY!” yelled the cook.   
Kimi thought that this scenario was even worse than the mad tea party he had attended previously.   
“Do you know where a wise old man lives?” asked Kimi.   
“Oh, him?” said the cook. “He is never in the same place two days in a row.”  
Helpful, thought Kimi.   
“Do you want to buy my cookery book?” said the cook.   
“No,” said Kimi. He decided to leave, but the baby grabbed at his ankle.   
“Hi,” said the baby. “Can I come with you?”   
Kimi looked at the small golf club the baby held and wondered how much damage it could do to his shins.   
“Sure,” he said.   
Kimi and the baby stepped out into the sunshine.


	8. Kimi in Wonderland part four (the last part thank god)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a waffle finds his dad, I get bored with the Kimi in Wonderland storyline, and, as a result, Kimi comes home.

The sunshine which suddenly turned to rain.  
“Ugh,” said Kimi. “England.”  
“But we’re not in England!” said the baby. “This is wonderland, baby!”  
“You’re the baby, baby,” said Kimi. “What’s your name, anyway?”  
The baby gave him a cheerful whack with the golf club. “I’m Lance, Lance Stroll.”  
“Have I seen you before?” asked Kimi, rubbing his ankle ruefully.  
“Oh,” said the baby, “We are in the same line of work. I got a podium once, you know.”  
“That’s nice,” said Kimi. “I have had many.”  
The baby scowled. “My father will hear about this!”  
“Sure,” said Kimi. He had bigger things on his mind, like the baguette and the waffle which he had just noticed on a tree stump nearby.  
“Yum,” said Kimi. He was very hungry.  
He was just about to pick up the baguette when he realised it had legs, arms, and a face.  
Kimi swore very loudly. The baby looked at him with interest.  
“Wow,” said the baby. “I’ve just learnt a new swear!”  
“Hi,” said the waffle. “I’m from Belgium. Have you seen my dad?”  
“And I'm from France,” said the baguette. “I love the circle game.”  
And sure enough, when Kimi looked at the small baguette, he saw its thumb and forefinger were touching in an O shape.  
“Fuck,” said Kimi as the baguette gave him a solid punch on the arm.  
“Bread’s get physical!” said the baguette.  
The waffle tugged at Kimi’s sleeve. “Have you seen my dad?” he asked again in a small voice.  
“Who’s your dad?” said Kimi.  
“He travels around inside a massive Fanta bottle,” explained the waffle.  
Kimi raised an eyebrow. “Right.”  
“So do I for that matter,” said the waffle.  
“Hang on,” said Kimi, suddenly realising where the plot point he was currently investigating might be leading. “Your dad- is he very wise?”  
“Oh yeah,” said the waffle. “Very wise and very old.”  
“Thanks, son,” suddenly spoke a voice from behind Kimi, and the waffle joyfully ran forward to greet his father, who was sitting, as the waffle had said, inside a giant bottle of Fanta.  
He was indeed an old man, with an lined, wise face which had clearly seen many podiums back in the day, and had raced against the greats, but now had to be content with fighting Force-India’s in the midfield and occasionally ignoring the odd blue flag to keep Sebastian Vettel on his toes.  
Kimi watched as the old man kissed the waffle on the cheek.  
“Had a good day at school?” the old man asked.  
The waffle nodded and gestured towards the baguette. “This is my new friend!” he exclaimed excitedly.  
“And who is this?” the man pointed at Kimi.  
“Dunno,” said the waffle. “But he’s looking for you.”  
The old man turned his wise eyes on Kimi. “What can I do for you then?”  
Kimi took a deep breath and wondered how to explain that he had fallen into this world through a wormhole in space and time and then followed a rabbit in trainers down a very big hole. But then he remembered that everyone he’d met seemed to be off their fucking nut anyway and thought it probably wouldn't be a problem.  
“I’ve fallen into this world down a wormhole in space and time,” he began. “And I want to get back to my world. But my phone has run out of charge and I am lost as well.”  
The old man nodded. “Hmmm,” he said. “An unusual predicament.”  
Kimi’s heart sank.  
“But not something I can’t fix,” grinned the man.  
Kimi looked up hopefully. “Really?”  
“My dad is a genius, and VERY cool,” said the waffle proudly.  
“Jump in my Fanta bottle,” said the man, “And I’ll take you to the palace.”  
“The palace?” asked Kimi.  
“Queen Esteban lives there!” piped up the baguette. 

-

Twenty-five very harrowing minutes later, they arrived at the palace. Kimi clambered thankfully off the back of the Fanta bottle, rubbing his knees with a wince. Fanta bottles, he decided, were not designed to be driven at high speeds. For containing drinks though, they were excellent; Kimi was now quite soggy and very sticky from the Fanta in the bottom of the bottle.  
The waffle and the baguette waved goodbye to him from the second Fanta bottle, and Kimi staggered off to throw up behind a rose bush. Once he had done so he felt better and set off towards the very large palace he could see in the distance. It was built of pink stone, and as he got closer he could see a crowd of people were gathered near to one of the towers.  
Kimi reached the edge of the crowd and pushed his way through until he could see what was going on. What he saw was a creature being restrained by two policemen. Kimi knew they were policemen because they had moustaches.  
“Stop, sir,” said one of the policemen. “My moustache would like a word with you.”  
“You’re nicked, sunshine,” said the other policeman.  
The creature, which Kimi now saw was a honey badger, struggled weakly. “I didn't do it on purpose!” he protested. “We’re allowed to race! These things happen!”  
A teenage boy stood nearby. “Look guys, I know he went straight up my arse but come on! It was a racing incident. Let’s move on?”  
Kimi watched this scene with some astonishment. “Look at these mature and reasonable responses!” he said to no-one in particular.  
“Aha!” said the man stood next to Kimi. “This man in red agrees! Maybe he can defend them in court?”  
“Huh?” said Kimi.  
Several people grabbed him and pushed him towards a courtroom which was hastily being set up. He was pointed towards a seat at the very front of the court.  
“Look,” yelled Kimi. “I can’t do this! I don't even know what the crime is!”  
Suddenly he realised that all the people were backing away from him in horror, and that he was growing rapidly taller, shooting up and away from the courtroom, which was now so small he could have crushed it with one foot.  
Kimi stepped carefully away from the screaming crowd, and jumped the castle in one leap. He could see back through the forest to the manor, he could see the burnt house of the rabbit, and the garden of Penises beyond. And now Kimi could see something else, something that filled him with hope. Beyond the garden there was a door that was the same size as he was now. Reaching the door in no more than twenty of his giant paces, he pushed it, and, to his intense excitement, it opened and Kimi fell through into a sudden darkness. 

-

There was light beyond his eyelids, light, and many voices speaking excitedly. Kimi opened one eye reluctantly and quickly shut it again when he saw many colours and shapes. He had an absolutely banging headache, as if he had had an extremely heavy night on the sesh. In reality though, he had not been drinking- he had been squashed back through a wormhole in space and time.  
Suddenly he heard a very familiar and very welcome voice.  
“Guys, get out of the way. Let me see him,” said Seb. Then, more gently, “Kimi?” he asked.  
Kimi reached out a hand and felt Seb grip it tightly. “Hello?” muttered Kimi. (a bit like in that vine where the girl gets water poured on her)  
Seb let out a huge breath he didn't realise he had been holding.  
Suddenly Kimi heard another, slightly less welcome, voice, but he was still pretty pleased to hear any voices that didn't belong to rabbits, honey badgers, and horses. “You’re second, I won,” said Lewis, quite loudly, and quite close to his left ear.  
“Adshdjagsk,” said Kimi.  
“How did you say that with your mouth?” asked another voice, which he recognised as belonging to Sergio Perez.  
The surprise of hearing that voice made Kimi open his eyes. “Since when have you got podiums?” he asked.  
“Rude,” said Checo.  
“He has a point though,” said Lewis. “If it wasn't for the absolute light of my life, the one and only, my sweet love, Valtteri Bottas, getting a puncture he’d have stormed it, you know he would.” Lewis wiped a tear from one eye. “My boy,” he said.  
Kimi was finding all this rather hard to process. The only solid things that seemed to exist in his universe were Seb’s hand and a bottle of champagne which he absent-mindedly took a sip from.  
“Where are we?” he asked.  
“Baku,” said Checo. “Look, there’s a new face- that’s Charles Leclerc, he’ll get your seat soon, there’s Pierre Gasly, there's that Sergy bloke, there’s Valtteri crying in the corner, there’s-”  
Kimi cut him off. “Why are you all angels now?”  
“Angels?” said Lewis. “Oh, you mean these,” he pointed to his halo. “We all have them now. Safety. If we’re all angels we don't get hurt. Sorry, I’d better go get Valtteri some more tissues.” He hurried away.  
Seb looked at Kimi. “It’s good to have you back,” he said. “Maybe things can get back to normal now.”  
“I very much doubt that,” said Nico Hulkenburg, who happened to be passing. “The next chapter is called Grindr.”

**Author's Note:**

> my personal tumblr: angelamerkelofficial  
> my wattpad: eek4444
> 
> Thank you for reading! Merci!


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